Blorg "Midas Touch" Blorg, trainer to gold medal winners the world over,
offers this pre-game inspiration to all you Ugh-lympians: "You not win,
you no evolve."
Let the games begin.
Many a Neanderthal has gotten misty-eyed recalling the first time he
grabbed his "one and only" by the hair and tossed her against the wall.
Women have no problems excelling in this sport; said one enthusiastic lady
proponent, "Me like him go splat!"
After your athlete reaches the circle, press and hold the joystick button
and then move the joystick in a circular, counterclockwise direction.
When you're at top swiveling speed (shortly after the "speed lines"
appear), release the joystick button to toss your mate. During practice,
you can abort a toss after you've thrown your mate by pressing the button
once the throwee is in the air. Once your mate has landed, you'll get the
distance of your toss.
Blorg: "Start slow then faster faster. If speed up too fast, stumble
back and forth. Spin too long make tired and turn many colors. Not
good for throw. Throw up, too."
The old saying "The race goes not always to the swiftest, but to those who
can avoid being eaten" was probably coined by a participant in this event.
Your Neanderthal had better be quick on his feet, since losing the Saber
Race can bring new meaning to the phrase "agony of defeat." Nice kitty.
To make your athlete run, move the joystick rapidly from left to right.
Click the joystick button to make your athlete leap cactus and puddles.
The top and bottom screens are connected together.
Blorg: "Run too slow not good idea. And not let opponent catch up. He
grab you by loincloth, toss you to kitty. Kitty eat you, you out of
The first and most important step in man's evolution towards a civilized
existence was marked by his mastery of the techniques for building fire.
The second was when he burned himself. Come relive this evolutionary
milestone, and see how it was in "the good ol' days," before cooked meat
and forest fires.
Blorg: "I tell all Ugh-lympian, 'Fastest fire maker not just get medal.
Get more barbecue invitation.' They work more hard to win."
As any caveman worth the hair on his feet knows, the way to get a fire
started is to rub two sticks together. To accomplish this feat, rapidly
move the joystick right and left. As soon as you get the hang of this,
the green bar below your athlete will start to increase. Eventually, the
color of the bar will turn to red and sparks will start to form. When a
few sparks land on your pile of tinder, puff on your pile by quickly and
repeatedly pulling your joystick back. When you see smoke, blow on the
tinder by pushing the joystick up (to take a deep breath), and then
pulling the joystick back (to blow). If your timing is right, your
smoldering sparks will burst into flames.
Blorg: "Important to breathe. Cannot blow if not breathe. And not blow
too fast or make stars over head and hear funny tweeting. Three stars
over head mean trouble near. One dizzy caveman. Blow, breathe, blow,
breathe. Simple unless you Neanderthal."
If your opponent is getting too far ahead, you can impair his progress by
whacking his skull with your stick. To do this, press and hold the
joystick button. If your opponent is clever enough to do this to you, you
can duck his wing by pulling the joystick back when he's about to hit you.
The goal of this event is either to force the other player off the
clubbing platform or to beat him senseless. There are two parts to this
event: the Intimidation Phase and the Clubbing Phase.
During the Intimidation Phase, move the joystick as fast as you can in
random directions. This makes your caveman flail around wildly. If you
can intimidate your opponent, you'll have an edge when the clubbing
starts. Blorg: "Yell. Jump. Look mean. Scare opponent. Make BASH BASH
BASH better for you."
In the Clubbing Phase, bash your opponent until you drain him of all his
strength or knock him off the platform. Strength is displayed on the bar
graphs above each athlete. To walk towards your opponent, push your
joystick towards him. To retreat, push your joystick away from him. To
duck, pull the joystick back.
Blorg's personal clubbing techniques.
Knee Bash:To do a knee bash, pull the joystick back and click the
joystick button. Quickly bash your opponent three times in a row to
make him hop backwards in pain - and hopefully off the clubbing
platform. "Blorg say edge of cliff bad place. Not go near. You not
light as feather. You fall to dark place, not blame me."
Overhead Smash: Push and hold the joystick up, then click the button.
"Good when other guy try to knee bash you. Knock him silly."
The Face Bop: Blorg's favorite, click the button while you're standing
right next to your opponent. "Blorg say do lots and do fast fast fast.
Flat face, good face!"
Since your Ugh-lympian barely has the intelligence of the average rodent,
it's easy to fake him out. By pressing the joystick button and holding
it, you'll point. This causes your adversary to look in that direction,
giving you a chance to wallop him.
Blorg: "You get bash hard, stars dance on head. You not can bash back.
Me suggest you not get hit."
Long considered one of the most gruelling and difficult of all the
Ugh-lympian events, the Dino Race is sure to separate the men from the
chimps. Will your heroic cave-dweller make it to prehistoric fame and
glory by successfully navigating the treacherous course and crossing the
finish line first? Or will he simply eat dirt and suffer a lifetime of
humiliation and disgrace? You decide.
"READY ... SET ... UGH!" And you're off to the races on your trusty
reptilian steed. Move the joystick to the right to give him the spurs,
and keep spurring or your dino will stop. To kick your dino into "turbo"
speed, push the joystick up to give your dino a little tap on the head
(your dino must be moving for this to work). If the turbo tap works, your
dino will take off like a race horse and clear obstacles without your
guidance. Once he slows down, you'll have to resume the spurring.
Blorg: "Dino have brain of dried pea. Not club too many time or dino get
confused. Up to five hit okay. Chance of dino get confused each time
hit: hit 1 - 0%; hit 2 - 20%; hit 3 - 40%; hit 4 - 60%; hit 5 - 80%; hit
6 - dino fall down. Dino not go fast on belly."
Next comes the tricky part: jumping. This requires a good deal of
coordination, something which neither dinosaur nor caveman possess in any
great abundance. Press the joystick button to send your mount leaping
over obstacles in its path.
Blorg: "Must have running start to jump. Dino not want to jump - back
up, try again. Do right or eat rock."
You can find out who's in the lead by looking under the athlete's name;
you'll see the last flag he or she has passed. A skull marks the finish
Perhaps one of the most expensive events when it comes to paying the price
for failure, dino vaulters have proven themselves either as athletes of
steel nerves or zero brains. Dino vaulters don't care if they're sailing
over a dinosaur named "Bilious Breath," "Incisor Face" or "Bottomless Pit"
- just as long as they sail.
Before you vault, you need to set the height of your dinosaur. To make
dino taller, push the joystick up. To make it shorter, pull the joystick
back. You can set it anywhere between twenty and thirty feet. Once
that's done, click the button and you'll move to the starting position.
To successfully leap over the dinosaur, you must time your cave dweller's
approach precisely. First you have to make a good approach by running in
time to the sound of the footsteps. To begin running, push the joystick
button. Then move the joystick slowly from left to right and gradually
increase speed as the tempo of the footsteps quicken. When you near the
edge of the ravine, press and hold the button to plant the pole. Just
before the pole is fully extended, release the button and your athlete
will - with a little luck and skill - sail over the gaping maw of the
Blorg: "Run fast. Plant pole right place. Let go right time. Not all
right, you dino delight."