The greatest Neanderthal athletes of all time share their secrets.
Before corporate sponsors and fashion gear, there were Caveman. Competition was ugh-ly.
Athletes won by bashing the other guy first. Pick your favorite Ugh-lympian. Club your way
through six pre-hysterical events. Beat your friends to the Caves Of Fame.
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Mate Toss
Swing fast circles. Remember let go. Good for medals. Not good for getting dates." - Crudla
Clubbing
"Become one with club. Don't fall for look-at-birdie-in-sky trick. Don't check feet
for fleas." Glunk
Dino Vault
"I like plant pole in totally cave-ular sand, soar high in air, wave to way-hungry dino." - Thag
Dinosaur Race
"Club dino head, go faster. Too mych club, dino bite dust. Vincent hate dust." - Vincent
Firemaking
"Rub sticks fast. Make bright, ouchy, hot thing first. Try not geyt dizzy. Remember to duck."
- Ugha
Sabertooth Tiger Race
"Run fast fast from tiger. Watch out for cactus. Trip other cave-guy. Him big lunch for kitty." - Gronk
Zzap64! Overall Rating: 80%
A worthy investment if you want entertaining for a couple of weeks.
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When the opening ceremonies and credits are over, you'll see NUMBER OF
PLAYERS and the value 1. Push the joystick up to increase the number of
players, pull it back to decrease the number. You can have up to six
players. Press the joystick button to move on.
To choose your athlete, odd numbered players -- 1, 3, 5 -- will use
joystick 1 (in port 2) and even numbered players -- 2, 4, 6 -- use
joystick 2 (in port 1). To pick an athlete, click the button to get the
club, move the club over the athlete's picture, and click the button to
smash his or her head. You'll see the Neanderthal's biography and his or
her strength in various events. |
After you select the contestants, you'll see your game options. Highlight
the option you want and press the joystick button.
During the game, you'll need to swap disks. Here's what each disk
contains: Disk 1 = Boot disk; Disk 2 = Events: Mate Toss, Dino Race; Disk
3 = Events: Fire Making, Clubbing, Saber Race; and Disk 4 = Event: Dino
Vault.
NOTE: You'll make most of your selections in the game using joystick 1
(the one that's plugged in port 2). |
PRACTICE
Any Ugh-lympian with a gold medal around his or her hairy neck knows that
"practice makes perfect" (this, by the way, may have been the
first recorded sports quote in history). You can practice any of the
six events; just highlight the one you want and click the joystick
button. You can practice the event as many times as you want. When you
see the prompt RESTART EVENT?, push the joystick up to pick YES or pull
it back to pick NO, and then press the joystick button. |
Take a torch-lit stroll through these caves and you'll see the record holders in all
of the events except Clubbing. With diligence and training, your Ugh-lympian's mug
can grace these walls some day. Press the joystick button to move from cave wall to
cave wall. |
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MATE TOSS
Many a Neanderthal has gotten misty-eyed recalling the first time he
grabbed his "one and only" by the hair and tossed her against the wall.
Women have no problems excelling in this sport; said one enthusiastic lady
proponent, "Me like him go splat!" |
SABER RACE
The old saying "The race goes not always to the swiftest, but to those who
can avoid being eaten" was probably coined by a participant in this event.
Your Neanderthal had better be quick on his feet, since losing the Saber
Race can bring new meaning to the phrase "agony of defeat." Nice kitty. |
FIRE MAKING
The first and most important step in man's evolution towards a civilized
existence was marked by his mastery of the techniques for building fire.
The second was when he burned himself. Come relive this evolutionary
milestone, and see how it was in "the good ol' days," before cooked meat
and forest fires. |
CLUBBING
The goal of this event is either to force the other player off the
clubbing platform or to beat him senseless. There are two parts to this
event: the Intimidation Phase and the Clubbing Phase. |
DINO RACE
Long considered one of the most gruelling and difficult of all the
Ugh-lympian events, the Dino Race is sure to separate the men from the
chimps. Will your heroic cave-dweller make it to prehistoric fame and
glory by successfully navigating the treacherous course and crossing the
finish line first? Or will he simply eat dirt and suffer a lifetime of
humiliation and disgrace? You decide. |
DINO VAULT
Perhaps one of the most expensive events when it comes to paying the price
for failure, dino vaulters have proven themselves either as athletes of
steel nerves or zero brains. Dino vaulters don't care if they're sailing
over a dinosaur named "Bilious Breath," "Incisor Face" or "Bottomless Pit"
- just as long as they sail. |
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