Caveman Ugh-Lympics - UGH-ZAMINER
"ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO BASH."
Copyright/Publisher: Electronic Arts/Dynamix, Music by: Alan McKean,
Producer: Don Traeger, Director: Jeff Tunnell, |
Designed By: Greg Johnson,
Programming: Richard Rayl Jr.,Darek Lukaszuk & Jon Leupp, Sound FX by: Bryce Morsello,
Graphics: Brian Mann, Darek Lukaszuk & Greg Johnson, Release Year: 1988,
Genre: Multi Events, No Of Players: 1 to 6
Volume I, Issue I - 35,000 B.C.
BASHWELL RECRUITS NEW SPOKESWOMAN
"Bash 'em better with Bashwell," the familiar slogan of Bashwell
Clubs and Accessories, will soon be the catchphrase of superstar athlete
and cave personality Crudla, who signed a contract with Bashwell to be
their new spokeswoman.
"Bashwell make me bash good. Bash. Bash. Bash." explained Crudla,
when asked why she finally agreed to endorse a product. Sources report
that the promise of 100,000 rocks a year plus a lifetime supply of
bashware might have had something to do with her decision.
The endorsement should increase sales for Bashwell, particularly
during this Ugh-lympic season, when club sales are expected to set new
records as viewers get swept up in the bashing frenzy.
To counter the publicity created by Crudla, Bashwell's major
competitor, Smashflat, has gone to great lengths to ensure that the other
athletes in this year's games will be carrying Smashflats into the
In a special promotional release, Bashwell Clubs has made public
their new major ad campaign which revolves around provocative footage of
Crudla in slow-motion bashing. Critics claim that because of Bashwell's
advertising, this year's Ugh-lympics has become little more than a
CHAMPS TO BASH HEAD TO HEAD
"Me bash him good," said Gronk when asked about his upcoming clubbing
bout with heavyweight clubber Glunk. Spectators anxiously await the most
talked about match in this year's games, which pits the two undefeated
champions against each other for the first time.
Elaborating on his strategy for the match, Gronk said he planned to
grab the advantage early by using effective new intimidation techniques.
Sources say that the key to Gronk's new technique is a combination of
frightening and surprising facial expressions, along with the usual
aggressive body postures.
Gronk said he was fully aware that Glunk had scored many victories
with his tricky "look-behind-you" pointing technique. In preparation for
that, Gronk has had his entire cave clan continuously try to fool him with
that trick for the past three months. As a further safeguard, Gronk has
done head-shaking exercises non-stop. While relatives say it has been
difficult carrying on a conversation with him, he now boasts quite an
impressive response time. Asked to sum up the secret of his past
successes in the clubbing arena, Gronk responded. "Gronk do big bash.
Smash head. Make pancake. Gronk like pancake."
Although Gronk is this year's favorite by a small margin, many rocks
and bones have been bet on the undefeated clubber Glunk. Glunk grew up in
the caves of the far east and is widely recognized as a master of subtle
eastern techniques. Many of Glunk's defeated opponents claimed that he
employs a mysterious, hypnotic rhythm in his intimidation technique that
lulls them into an idiotic stupor.
In an interview at his training camp at Rockridge, Glunk publicly
denied the charges and asserted that his opponents were in no more of an
idiotic stupor than he was.
In accounting for his success, Flunk explained that he merely becomes
one with what he bashes. Then, he simply bashes the oneness. In
perfecting this philosophy, Glunk has put himself in the hospital on
fourteen different occasions.
When asked what he thought of his chances against Gronk, Glunk simply
smiled and hit himself on the head.
UGHA COOKS AT FIREMAKING TRIALS
Ugha Ughovitch proved that his special wrist technique was everything
it was rumored to be as he set a new firemaking speed record at the
qualification trials last Tuesday. Unfortunately, Ugha set fire to
himself, the judges, and half the audience on the way to his record.
"We were just happy to get him out of the cave," said his parents in
an interview with reporters. After nine solid years of practicing for
this event, Ugha has few friends in his semi-nomadic tribe. In spite of
this, Ugha claims to love the nomadic life. His only complaint is that
the tribe always seems to move in the middle of the night without
informing him. Some members of the tribe hinted that it is more than
coincidence that they have been semi-nomadic for exactly nine years now.
One tribe member, many years past, had suggested to Ugha that he
approach his firemaking with slightly less zeal. In response to this,
Ugha explained that he was an artist and could not compromise his art. He
then proceeded to bash the tribe member senseless. Since then, no other
tribe member has seen fit to criticize Ugha's enthusiasm.
Ugha's toughest competition in this year's firemaking event is
expected to be the dashing, charismatic caveman from down under, Thag "The
Thag" Thag. While Ugha's wrist technique gives him the best stick-rubbing
times, Thag incorporates an uncanny timing in his head bashing, which
makes him a formidable opponent.
In many of his bouts, Thag has been known to start right off with a
head bash to incapacitate his opponent and establish an immediate
advantage. Some sports analysts criticize this unorthodox style as risky
and foolhardy, but so far, it has served Thag well. It has made Thag
quite popular with the crowds, who always enjoy a good head bashing,
regardless of the event.
THREAT OF TERRORIST GORILLAS
AT THIS YEAR'S GAMES
Authorities believe that the atmosphere of friendly competition at
this year's games may be marred by the violence of terrorist gorillas.
Speculations on the possible motives of the terrorists range from simple
demands for bananas to release of other gorillas being held at local zoos.
One inside source has revealed that the leader of the terrorists,
ex-circus gorilla Mitzi, has a secret passion for Gronk, and may be driven
LOCAL INVENTOR MAKES HISTORY
Vincent Blug broke the record for most registered patents after he
invented the wheel, the television, the refrigerator, and the power lawn
mower last week. When asked whether or not he felt his inventions would
have any social significance, Vincent replied, "Too early in man's history
to tell." He stated that, with the exception of the power mower, he felt
it likely that his inventions would be popular only as passing fads. In
spite of this, orders have been pouring in already, and Vincent predicts
that after electricity is invented his devices may become even more
In a demonstration for the press, Vincent explained the function of
his most ingenious invention, the wheel. He showed how, when balanced
just right, things could be placed on it. No longer will cavemankind have
to put everything on the ground. Vincent said he is currently hard at
work finding a solution to the problem of the wheels rolling away.
In addition to being a gifted inventor and all-around brainy guy,
Vincent considers himself something of an athlete. He had competed
regularly in the last several Ugh-lympics. His performance, however, has
been somewhat less than superlative, as he has placed last in every event
he has entered. Vincent remains convinced, nevertheless, that a complete
dislike for physical exertion and a total athletic incompetence shouldn't
effect his chances at a medal in this year's games.
TIRED OF ALMOST BEING EATEN?
Then it's time to try NUNK'S RUNNING SANDALS. Guaranteed to give you that
extra bit of traction at that crucial moment. We're so sure that our
shoes will work for you, if they don't keep you from getting your head
bitten off by a slobbering Sabertooth, we'll give double your rocks back.
DOUBLE YOUR ROCKS BACK!
GET YOUR NUNK'S RUNNING SANDALS AT NUNK'S CAVE TODAY.
TOP ATHLETE TELLS ALL
Crudla "Poetry in Motion" Derg, one of this year's top competitors,
is known as a woman of many talents. In addition to being the perfect
picture of athletic grace, Crudla has also established a reputation as an
author capable of lucid insight, cutting wit, and delicate charm. In her
latest book, Crudla tells the story of how, as a young cavegirl, she first
came to appreciate her special talents. With a wry and almost sardonic
sense of humor, Crudla looks back on her early years in her autobiography,
"Bash Bash Crudla Bash." Following is a short excerpt from the book to be
published later this year.
Crudla born. Crudla want food. Bash. Bash. Bash. Crudla want
food now. Ahhh. Yum. Yum. Crudla happy. Crudla have pet kitty.
Bash. Bash. Bash. Oops. Crudla sad.
Crudla want more food. Crudla want now. No food? Crudla angry.
Bash. Bash. Bash. Crudla go. Find food. Crudla fall off cliff. Land
on head. Fun game. Crudla like. Crudla do again. Bash. Bash. Bash.
The book is expected to be out in stoneback cover later this year.
Crudla anticipates a book signing tour once the Ugh-lympics are over.
I'm looking for a special cavelady. Are you squat and heavyset, with a
prognathous jaw and incredibly low IQ? Do you enjoy ritual dancing,
cavepainting, and smashing things with large, heavy objects? Are you just
verging on sentience? If this describes you, I may be the Cro-Magnon man
you've been looking for. I enjoy eating things, walking upright, and
making loud noises. I'm good at hunting and gathering as well as making
fire. My friends tell me I have exceptional cranial capacity. If you'd
like to be evolved in a special relationship, drop me a line.
Blunk, P.O. Rock 0004
New Rock, New Rock
You redhead standing by big rock yesterday? Me think you real pretty, but
too shy to bash you at first sight. I got big cave, fast dino, earn big
rocks. Meet you at tar pit today at sunset. Maybe we take walk in dark,
pull hair, bash some too if you like.
Me want woman. Derg, P.O. Rock 0001, North
Let our staff of experienced intimidators show you how to intimidate
effectively. We have specialists in scary and unexpected faces, as well
as frightening postures and imposing stances. Let our team of experts
show you how to get the most out of your grunting. Amble in today for a
The Intimidation Professionals--
1111 Big Cave by River
Space aliens seeking primitive people to build large, obscure objects in
inaccessible regions. Previous experience in drawing mile-wide spiders
and stickmen a definite plus. Anyone interested should meet at the top of
the hill tonight at midnight. Ask for Snyxbrkazyd.
Blerg, Donk, Gunk, Fek, Burnk, and 14,000 died last Wednesday in the
approaching ice age. Due to a lack of language, family members had little
Blog Blog, the oldest known caveman, died yesterday the incredible age of
38. In an interview just before his death, when asked how he managed to
live so long, Blog replied "Not die."
(C) 1988 Electronic Arts. Do not use without permission.